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It's taken me several months to write this out

1, because it is very layered and

2, because parts of it are very painful to relive

I lost my Mom a few months ago and while attempting to write a subjective experience on grief it turned into a testament on the incredible connection / relationship between my beloved Mom and myself. and to go there I realised I have to speak about things I have never spoken about so openly before, but its integral to my journey, so just a precaution to read with an open heart,

Some people won't vibe with it, its okay, move on / log out, but if you feel ready, go ahead...

I write about grief a lot because I have experienced it in many forms, losing a parent of course cuts very deep and losing my only parent, well, I understand how it can feel like the world is ending, and I know this is a road we all walk, as she did when she lost her parents, and as they did when they lost theirs.

I cant help but think of my grandfather, who, in his final days would say: "Ek wil na my ma toe gaan" English Translation: "I want to go to my mother"

This 82 year old man, who had lost his mother decades prior, always had that yearning to be with her again.

I let this realisation sink in that I too will live out the rest of my life with this heavy longing on my chest to be reunited with her.

Backstory

So here’s what happened,

This story begins in 1965 when my mom, who was a kid at the time, discovered that she had a heart condition as a result of rheumatic fever. Because of this, she would always look after herself in the best possible way, ie ate all the good stuff, balanced her Mind, Body, Soul health etc.

Life expectancy for those with this condition is much, much lower than average, I'm not sure of these statistics but it could be 40s/50s. She made it to 63.

There were always talks of surgery / replacing or repairing the damages, but several years ago when she went for a check up, the doctors advised that it would be too risky as her heart became weaker.

That's when the reality of her heart condition hit me.

So when Covid showed up, our anxiety was evidently heightened because of her comorbidity.

The most incredible custodian

When I was very young, I started seeing colours around people. Not around everyone and not all the time, but those who knowingly or unknowingly allowed themselves to be seen. She perfectly guided me through that, and because it was a sense of seeing energy it had lead to greater understanding of it, and learning to feel it. I'll never forget how fascinating it was the first time I learnt to create an energy ball between my palms - now a common practice in meditation.

But the most precious of all.. In her own way of strengthening my 'spidey senses' if you will,

my Mom would sit behind me and poke at my back, tap-tap-tap- not touching my skin or clothing at all, stopping a few cm away from it, and I would feel this tingling sensation and guess exactly where she was pointing by the way the energy would move in my auric field. Like when you feel someone walk into a room behind you but you didn't hear a thing. It's along those lines, and we all have it. So she would tap at my back and I would always guess the exact spot, wherever I felt the sensation, sometimes as clear as an itch and we were both constantly amazed at the accuracy.

That was during my early teen years. every now and then we'd still do it for fun but little did we know we were embarking on an incredible journey of expanding one another.

Over the years life would lead us to live in different cities.

When you don’t live in the same city, you appreciate and make the most of the time that you have with your loved ones. I'd always take it a step further and annoyingly smother her.

Me, a grown 32 year old woman, would sit on her lap, after not seeing her for months, until she shouted me; "Shakeela you are cutting off my circulation!"

We had such a beautiful relationship, a spiritual relationship. So this loss, only feels like a physical loss, whereas others would feel like a total loss.

We spent a lot of conscious time together. Even our video calls had so much depth, we always had mindful conversations. It’s satisfying to know that we really made the most with the time that we were given. We knew.

Death was never a foreign concept to us, having gone through grief so many times. We spoke about it openly and often. We both agreed that a ‘late exit’ sounds exhausting and that we just want to complete our mission here and return home.

We are energy people. We understand that everything is energy.

And given that energy cannot be created or destroyed it can only be converted from one form into another, we understood that death is just a doorway, and we often referred to the transition as going through the doorway. We also knew that that is the real deal and this is just a play.

The signs

So to double back to Covid and its inherent anxiety,

About 4 months before she passed, I went into a deep meditative state, out of curiosity and for my own peace-of-mind I asked my Guides what age she will be when she is ready to go.

They responded with “63”. When I heard it, I completely dismissed it.

My response, “Oh I don’t mean what age she is now.”

As if infinite intelligence can misunderstand me.

I wasn’t ready to hear that and that’s how deep my denial was.

But then, 2 months before she passed I had a vivid dream,

We both experience vivid, often-times premonitory dreams that can be described in great detail and for years I've been writing mine down. I would always share them with her and we would theorise on meanings and symbolism. But this particular dream I could not bring myself to tell her. In the dream, which was long, detailed and heartbreaking, she told me that there are complications with her heart, and she wont make it through the night.

I woke up heartbroken and grief-stricken, and immediately turned to my closest, Aneesah, to offload.

I had another dream and a few other warnings leading up to it, all indicating the same thing.

And because we didn’t live in the same city, we would video call everyday. She was the best source of light and entertainment and she made me laugh daily.

So when she starting feeling ‘under the weather’ I could see it on the call.

Because of her heart, even a mild cold would take a toll on her body, more so than anyone else her age. But because of my dream, I started to panic. So I got on a plane and rushed to her side. She tested positive for Covid. Which, during a pandemic is an obvious possibility but her symptoms were unusual so we were semi-surprised.

The next day I took her to hospital and that evening I told her that I understand that Covid is unpredictable so if (and Im beyond emotional even saying this again) but if she decides that the timing to go through 'the doorway' is right, then she must make her presence known and I told her what our unique signs will be – this is not a foreign concept to us, this is our normal.

But I also said, that selfishly I hope that doorway can wait until later.

She was in hospital for 12 days, and I still feel PTSD trying to process that period so I wont dive deep into it here now. But her last day was her most difficult day. And I prayed that her discomfort be removed – no matter how painful that would be for me, I’d rather be the one hurting than have her be in pain any longer.

At the end of the day, it was her heart that gave in, and she didn’t make it through the night 💔

In the coming months I would see our signs often, to the point where I started to doubt it because it seemed a ridiculous amount but I didn't choose something that was common, so I just said that our sign is gonna have to fall into my lap.

BRUH! THEN THE SIGNS STARTED FALLING INTO MY LAP!

I just smiled. How absurd for me to ever doubt her.

Sometimes I forget that she is no longer physically here because her presence is so strong, but there are moments that I remember and those can be excruciating.

But the most incredible, first encounter was the same night she passed away.

When her body was brought home, I didn't feel a connection to it. I knew she wasn't 'in there' or that that wasn't her. But the thought and the grief and the overthinking was overwhelming,

so I went to the next room to be alone

and to fall apart,

a bit in disbelief,

a little lost

a little broken

and I allowed the sorrow to just take over.

And when I finally caught my breath,

it happened,

and it was tangible,

and ever so obvious

and very specifically on my back,

there she was,

Tap-Tap-Tap- 💙