Lemon Meringue
Updated: Jun 4, 2024
I am no stranger to grief. If you’ve read Letters of Alchemy you’d know that I’ve dedicated an entire chapter to sorrow. I’ve lost friends and loved ones to accidents, terminal illnesses, gun violence and the inevitable old age. Grief changes you, it matures you, and it forces you to think of life from angles that scare you, angles that are easier to avoid.
Grief is such a big part of life, it’s the part you don’t think of when you’re a kid who just wants to grow up, but as you age you become more and more acquainted with it.
The thing is, everyone wants a long, happy and healthy life. But the reality is, with every relationship and friendship you have: either you bury them or they bury you.
Real life is not The Notebook. It’s a harsh realisation that at some point in the future someone has to go first. That’s why every opportunity to connect is so precious. In a world where everyone glorifies being busy, it’s so important to pause, relax and take time out to enjoy and appreciate the beauty of life.
It’s crazy how, having as little as one small interaction with someone, makes you feel some type of way when they pass, and that feeling intensifies the closer to home it becomes - it’s the humanity that binds us.
And how having experienced loss, and knowing someone who is going through it - all we want to do is reach out our arms and fill them with love to compensate for that loss, again - it’s the humanity that binds us.
With every loss, a common eventuality is that everyone just wants one more moment with the person who has passed, whether it’s to hold them, say goodbye or remind them how much they are loved. We just want more time with them.
But no amount of time would ever be enough - time is the most precious commodity. Yet we treat every interaction with surety that we’ll have more.
This year, for the first time, I experienced a huge side serving of guilt that accompanied my grief.
STORY TIME: My cousin had sent me a delicious but complex Lemon Meringue cupcake recipe. I mean this recipe video was so good that it sent me into a frenzy while craving it.
On the outside I just had a sad look on my face, but on the inside I may as well have been the kid in the grocery store, kicking and screaming on the floor of the sweet aisle. THE CRAVING WAS INTENSE.
Not the intense that made me want to make it because lets face it, we don’t devour the things we make the same way we devour the things that magically appear in front of us. And I didn’t need the cupcake version; I was pining for the Lemon Meringue Pie.
Anyways, two days of me moaning about this craving had gone by and from my lips to Gods ears; a Lemon Meringue had magically appeared before my eyes.
Okay - my mom bought it.
Still, I was in awe of its beauty and wonder. I dived right in without testing the water… HEAVEN! At this point I had morphed from a kid throwing a tantrum into a poster girl on a TV commercial, surrounded by floating bubbles while eating dessert in slow motion with my sun kissed hair flowing in the breeze. Wow.
Back on earth. I cut the remaining Meringue into slices. My craving was cured and I could now share my delight with the family. I offered my granny and my mom and I said I would send some across the road to my Aunt and Uncle and YAY! I'd still have leftovers for tomorrow.
Tomorrow came. When I opened the fridge I couldn’t find my Meringue. Turns out my granny had given the whole thing away. I was confused, heartbroken and scared to admit – livid.
I immediately vented to my cousin about this.
[SIDE NOTE: This was a 100% pathetic reaction over a damn dessert]
A week later my granny passed away.
And even though I didn't take it out on her, the guilt of feeling that level of petty anger towards her was overwhelming.
Do you have any idea how many desserts I would give to have just one more moment with her?
Do you have any idea how many pathetic reactions we have on a daily basis that means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things?
It’s normal to get upset over small things but sometimes we can be so fucking unnecessary. Whenever I find myself going down that road, I have to remind myself, Lemon Meringue, and it snaps me out of thinking so low during those unnecessary times.
The guilt finally subsided as I tried very hard to overpower it with gratitude.
I mean, I’m so thankful that I got to spend almost three whole months with her - her final three months (which mind you, thanks to Covid19, put my job on pause and afforded me the time to come stay with her)
- Grateful for all the meals we shared together – mostly our Shakshouka Saturdays.
- Grateful for her stories - that I’ve heard countless times before but for some reason, something nudged me to record her this time around, and now I can at least hear her voice through technology
- Grateful that I was the last person to speak to her – she loved back rubs, and one night I told her that her back does not look 88 years old. We laughed. Grateful that I could make her laugh, unknowingly, on her last night on earth
- Grateful that I got 31 incredible years with her and she was active and feisty until her last day - I know that not many people are as fortunate as I am.
As with all things in life, gratitude is key. And if I start thinking low again…
Lemon Meringue, Lemon Meringue, Lemon Meringue!
PS. I would love to hear how you coped with grief in the past, how you grew from it and whether it changed your life or thinking in any way. Feel free to comment / inbox me directly or share with anyone who might identify with the themes shared above.
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