Coping with Anxiety and the Noise
Updated: Jun 10, 2024
I had just admitted to myself that I suffer from anxiety and newfound panic attacks. And while I was coming to terms with it and trying to understand it, another part of my brain was nagging myself to travel. I mean I LOVE travel, but this is not the time! And the more I tried to convince myself it's not the time, the louder the voice grew.
So here I was, telling myself that I cannot travel right now,
but then- the strangest thing, my fingers would Google flights to various destinations ???
It had to be somewhere I had not been before, that was somewhat on my bucket list (everywhere is on my bucket list), somewhere that was feasible, that did not require lengthy visa applications but most importantly, in this moment, the destination had to call me.
A week later I landed in Cancun, Mexico.
Sounds amazing, exotic, and sprinkled with Caribbean, vacay vibes.
But here’s the thing… you can’t escape your mind
I understood why I needed to get away. I could spend more time by myself, listening to myself without any interruptions, instead of listening to the noise.
I still had the anxiety and the panic attacks, as I knew I would but I also had a plan...
Seeing as though I got sucked into the black hole whenever I started to overthink or expose myself to those obstructive forces, I had to change my thinking. I had to feed my mind and my body with positivity. This meant,
· Taking a social media break
· Avoid being in contact with anyone who made me cave
· Listening to uplifting music
· Listening to inspiring podcasts
· Reading more esoteric books
· Religiously exercising everyday
· Consistently meditating everyday
· And spending a lot more time in nature
I had no signal when I left the guesthouse. It was easier to drown it all out without having any messages or calls come through. This was ME time. So before I left I would download my music, meditations and podcasts for the day.
I made notes of key points that resonated with me, or epiphanies that I’d had during the day, these notes would be the first thing I’d read the following day when I woke up. This was my routine for weeks.
And as travel happens, people are brought into your life. I allowed this. I spent some time getting to know others and their journeys and made some amazing friends that I’m still in touch with today.
Meeting these specific individuals lead to my trip to Chichén Itzá.
[WARNING: this next part is not suitable for conservatives. If you are here to judge and project rather than support and accept I would advise against reading any further.]
I struggle to fully embody what happened after Chichén Itzá, but I’ll do my best to describe it.
[Side Note: The Maya are not a wiped out ancient civilisation, and even though there have been a drastic downfall of Maya, many (millions) still reside in Southern Mexico, Central America today.]
So, we stopped at a little Mayan village where we where introduced to an Elder who addressed us on the ways of the Maya, their Shamanic techniques and how they maintain their spiritual life and practices. He spoke in Yucatec Maya and our tour guide translated it into English.
We learnt that the Maya have always had a strong relationship with Mother Earth and nature and call upon it for healing.
He burnt some Copal resin, and continued to smudge us individually (much like Sage smudging). I was so engrossed in the moment, I took it all in, listened and observed. I can still feel the faint breeze, and smell the Copal burning all around me.
He went around holding a wooden bowl filled with herbs and water – I opened my hands and he used the herbs to drip water into my palms. As instructed, I had to wash my hands then put it on my head, my heart and my knees.
I left with the strangest sense of belonging, not to the place or the people but in my own skin.
The next day I woke up with clarity that I had never had before. As mentioned previously
I was trying to survive numerous things at once, all this took strain on many relationships with family and friends over its course and somehow I now had the wherewithal to process everything and not only express myself in a way which could be easily understood but also admit to my shortcomings. The latter is strenuous and brutal but oh so freeing!
This was the beginning of healing
Days went by and I continued my routine as normal. A week after being smudged I realised
I had not had a panic attack in 7 days, the longest so far. And today, almost a year later, I have not had one since.
Something happened that day, maybe it was Shamanic healing, maybe I opened up to nature, maybe I opened up to myself but something switched inside my mind that brought me back to feeling grateful and at peace with myself and my journey. The panic attacks had vanished and my anxiety had significantly decreased, its still here, but not as severe as before.
Peace of mind is everything.
Even though mine was triggered by comments that lead to my overthinking and comparing, I can only control myself. And sometimes we have to be twice as strong as the next persons ignorance.
It's insightful for me to have these conversations with others, those who are on the opposite end, about how wrong we have all been on what constitutes a "whole and perfect life." and try to escape the stigma of "If you're single at thirty there is something wrong with you and if you're married it means you've settled."
We always look outside of ourselves and think there is something missing instead being grateful for where we are and how far we've come.
As much as I can, I try to avoid those who make me feel 'less than' who make me feel like I am not where I'm supposed to be in life.
I still stick to my meditations, exercise, feeding my mind with positivity and using grounding techniques when I feel I need to. And of course one of the key ingredients is music!
Music uplifts, not only me, but the whole room and the entire house. (Doing household chores without music is actually a waste of my time.)
If you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks and think that it could be circumstantial, I hope you dig deep to find the root, do your best to replace it with light. It's okay to feel all these things, I hope you don’t spend too much time in dark places that you feel most comfortable being there. I hope you find sanctuary in yourself first.
The trip to Mexico was just part of my journey. Yours may be different, it might not be a holistic healing, or travel, it could be a dance class, a new hobby, therapy, a book, or a conversation that brings you home to yourself.
If you listen close enough that beautiful, annoying voice will tell you where to go. Nothing happens overnight, and we still have a ways to go, but if there are things that can make today a bit easier we have to chase that. I hope you find it and learn your own ways of coping and healing that's bespoke to you.
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